The Story of Lu & Mithi: The Cold
So in the middle of my depression being apart from Mithi and developing feelings for another person I made the decision to visit my darling in Mangalore, staying in his family’s house with him and his parents. I was debatting with Mithi a couple of times if this was the right time for me to come since I was such a wreck emotionally, but I insisted to come. I could not stand the feeling of being apart even longer from him. And I also needed a break from my life and routine in Berlin to find inner peace again.
When I arrived in Mangalore after a long flight I was greeted and taken care of so warm by Mithi and also by his parents. I felt at home right away. They did everything to make my visit as comfortable and nice as possible. I felt so blessed during that time. The climate with rain showers in the evening, our trips with the scooter to the city, visiting the coast and seeing the beach, going to the church together. So many beautiful moments that I will never forget. The first days felt like I finally left my life in Berlin behind.
Sadly, I was still not over the last months and I had difficulties to open up as much as I should have during my visit. After all, it was the time to be with Mithi and to enjoy every moment with him as much as possible. It was the time to hold him, to kiss him, to tell him how much I love him. Instead, I was cold. I was cold and I did not notice it because I was so busy in my mind to find my own inner peace that I overlooked what this all actuallly was about. It was not about me, it was about us, about sharing my feelings and my life with another person instead of sealing myself off from everyone.
Of course, Mithi was feeling my cold and after the first days he started to leave me to myself thinking I would not have any true feelings for him. He could only see my depressed and cold self. When the last days of my visit finally arrived I started feeling sadness, knowing that I would be leaving soon and get back to my life in Berlin without Mithi by my side. I was unable to find the right words back then to tell Mithi how sorry I felt for my cold behaviour and that I was unable to open up to him the way I should have done it as his partner. I was crying the last night and day a lot. Even at the airport I could not hold back my tears. The only thing was, I did not show my tears to Mithi. What meaning would my tears have to him, if I was unable to turn my feelings into actions?
So I returned back to Berlin and I was unsure if I actually felt better or worse. The next days and weeks would show…