The Brave Cook

My life from the heart of Berlin!

Archive for the month “March, 2015”

The Story of Lu & Mithi: The Love and the End

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Now I told the story of Lu & Mithi. The story that had to do with the past years of my life.

The relationship between me and Mithi ended and there is nothing to bring it back the way it was before. We would both have to move on with our lifes and make the best out of it. Of course, there is no hate or other bad feelings left between us for each other. We still consider ourselves good friends and we know that in case of any kind of help we can rely on each other. However, we do not want to depend on each other or to bring back old feelings.

I think, Mithi is handling the whole thing way better than me. He is focusing on his job and on earning money as well as finding a caring partner. He is doing it quite well and I am very happy for him. I am also busy with my job and with saving up some money. I know I have to look out for someone new too but it is pretty difficult to do it on purpose. In the end love and a relationship cannot be forced. Only time and coincidence will make it come true.

I am taking the good things out of the relationship with Mithi for my future life. I have found a true friend with a good heart. Someone, who is also struggling to find the same things in life. Mithi taught me many things. He taught me how to be strong and not to give up. He taught me to be patient. He inspired me to be creative and to try out new things. He believed in my dreams and most of all he showed me true love.

Life is not always easy and it is not always blessed but knowing Mithi is a true blessing and I am thankful for it. So this is the end of the story. And it ends with love. The love will always remain.

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The Story of Lu & Mithi: The Conscience

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It never feels good coming back home from holidays. It always felt strange and empty to me. This time, it was worse in many ways. I already said how much I was crying when I left Mithi in India. I thought this was only a good-bye phase. But it was not. I felt sad for the next days and weeks and I was crying a lot. I was crying for so many reasons. It was as if my heart and mind had been awaken and as if I was brought back to my previous condition. I could finally see and feel everything so clearly. And I realised it was too late.

I was expecting Mithi would talk to me the same way he did before my visit. Instead, he did not call me again. It was only me contacting him. And he did seem to be annoyed or bored with me contacting him and talking to him. He did not consider me as his partner anymore. Of course, it pained me a lot but I could understand his behaviour. It was his reaction to my behaviour. His decision to let me go.

I was unable to let go of him in that way. For me he was still my precious darling in my heart and I could not imagine to let the days go by without talking to him or to close that chapter of my life so suddenly. I kept sending him messages and telling him how much I miss him and that I still love him. He did respond sometimes but I could see that there were no deep feelings from his side anymore. I had no choice. I could not force him to talk to me or to change his feelings. Words are not as strong as actions. So the only thing left for me was to cry my heart out and get over it. I did not cry every day though. It was more like sudden crying attacks bursting out of me. But even after many months it was still not over with the crying.

My conscience was very hard on me. I was reflecting on my behaviour and my words I showed the last months and I could not believe that this was me. I never wanted to become such a person. I wanted to be the person I was before. This was simply not the way this love was supposed to end…

The Story of Lu & Mithi: The Cold

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So in the middle of my depression being apart from Mithi and developing feelings for another person I made the decision to visit my darling in Mangalore, staying in his family’s house with him and his parents. I was debatting with Mithi a couple of times if this was the right time for me to come since I was such a wreck emotionally, but I insisted to come. I could not stand the feeling of being apart even longer from him. And I also needed a break from my life and routine in Berlin to find inner peace again.

When I arrived in Mangalore after a long flight I was greeted and taken care of so warm by Mithi and also by his parents. I felt at home right away. They did everything to make my visit as comfortable and nice as possible. I felt so blessed during that time. The climate with rain showers in the evening, our trips with the scooter to the city, visiting the coast and seeing the beach, going to the church together. So many beautiful moments that I will never forget. The first days felt like I finally left my life in Berlin behind.

Sadly, I was still not over the last months and I had difficulties to open up as much as I should have during my visit. After all, it was the time to be with Mithi and to enjoy every moment with him as much as possible. It was the time to hold him, to kiss him, to tell him how much I love him. Instead, I was cold. I was cold and I did not notice it because I was so busy in my mind to find my own inner peace that I overlooked what this all actuallly was about. It was not about me, it was about us, about sharing my feelings and my life with another person instead of sealing myself off from everyone.

Of course, Mithi was feeling my cold and after the first days he started to leave me to myself thinking I would not have any true feelings for him. He could only see my depressed and cold self. When the last days of my visit finally arrived I started feeling sadness, knowing that I would be leaving soon and get back to my life in Berlin without Mithi by my side. I was unable to find the right words back then to tell Mithi how sorry I felt for my cold behaviour and that I was unable to open up to him the way I should have done it as his partner. I was crying the last night and day a lot. Even at the airport I could not hold back my tears. The only thing was, I did not show my tears to Mithi. What meaning would my tears have to him, if I was unable to turn my feelings into actions?

So I returned back to Berlin and I was unsure if I actually felt better or worse. The next days and weeks would show…

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