It is always a challange to write about oneself without leaving out an important detail of the own personality. What to say? How to start?
I can describe myself as a romantic, believing in the one and only true love and in being faithful and honest to the people I love. I despise selfish people as well as people who think they are superiour to others. The biggest heart is the one that is treating all kinds of people with respect and without prejudice.
The day I met Mithi I opened my heart to him without prejudice. I opened it to him completely, giving it all to him. I felt like my life started having a meaning with him. I felt never alone again. Every time I came from work he was there waiting to talk to me. And I enjoyed our talks so much. He gave me that feeling that I was able to talk about anything on my heart, expressing it openly.
When Mithi lost his job and had to move back to his parents house in Mangalore, India more than one year ago, I was thinking this would be only temporary. But things turned out differently. He was even more busy there and our talks became less. I tried to think positive in any way and to enjoy life in Berlin the best way possible so that I would not drown in sadness. First it worked fine, but I started to be more and more busy with my office life and especially with making bonds with colleagues. Thinking this would be a good thing to do turned out to be the opposite.
When the person you love is not there to talk to you and to share all the moments with you, you share these moments with someone else. In my case it was a colleague that I started to like a lot. We understood quite well and I thought we could be really good friends. The problem was that I felt more inside when being with him. Many nights I stayed awake thinking how it could be that I felt in a way for him that I used to feel only for Mithi. I knew the answer was the distance.
I am a very open person and I knew that Mithi was able to see that there was something on my mind, so I told him openly about my emotional status and how hard the situation was on me. I promised him to control my feelings if he would give me enough time to find myself again. I am aware of how much I hurt him during that time by telling him everything and asking him to give me time, but during that period I was emotionally devastated and a wreck. I was unable to care for him emotionally too. First I had to fix myself inside and find out where and why I lost myself on the way.
When I came to Mangalore in October to spend the month with Mithi I was hoping my visit would help me to find back to myself and to our love but I was still not ok by then and things would not simply go back to what they were before…